Mother’s Day carries a special poignancy for me now. It’s been three years since my mother and mother-in-law passed away. Through that time, I’ve journeyed through grief, and I’ve made progress on healing. I still miss them both terribly, but the loss is much less painful. Part of the healing process has been giving myself some “grace and space,” with less activity and more quiet time—not as much as I’d like, or as a therapist would recommend, but enough to keep going. Another part has been recommitting to political activism in their honor.

Today I want to share the quieter side of this journey—the one that comes less easily to me. The one I often avoid. I’ve discovered that I need quiet time. It feeds the part of me that wants to be alone—to journal and read and write. To reflect. To think and feel more deeply.

Through my journaling and blogging, I’ve been able to process what these two women (my “moms”) and their roles meant to me.

They set such different examples. They were both strong and extremely smart women. They were both independent but confined within the traditional middle-class home and workplace expectations of the 1950s to 1970s. That said, they lived their lives quite differently. My mother-in-law set boundaries and maintained some breathing room. A quiet person who loved one-on-one conversation, she handled a lot but made sure not to overload herself. My mother… not so much! She rarely turned down a volunteer opportunity or a chance to join a group, travel, or spend time with friends. Visiting my moms as an adult meant I toggled between the worlds of feeling like there was enough time to do what one wanted (as my mother-in-law had) versus feeling like there was never enough time (as my mother constantly felt).

Moving back and forth between their worlds as a younger woman, I sought their approval. I married a spouse who engages equally in home life. We produced grandchildren. I ascended through a career that wasn’t possible in our moms’ era. My moms marveled at the rich array of opportunities I was able to embrace. I shared as much as I could with them during phone calls and visits.

But now they aren’t here. Whose example should I follow? The active, more externally focused life or the quieter, more internally focused life? Especially during this fraught time in our country. Do I jump into the fray again, or do I retreat to safer space?

I’m trying to find a balance.

I’ve fully entered the “empty nest” stage of life. My four children are on the path to independence, and my moms and my father have passed away. As a result, my caregiving responsibilities have significantly diminished. Time has been freed up, bit by bit, which is allowing me to reset my priorities. Rather than defaulting to what I’m used to—which is overloading myself—I’m trying to give myself “grace and space.” What’s emerged is this: I want to do less work and enjoy more life. (This sounds deceptively simple, but I’m hardwired to work… and work and work.)

What does “less work and enjoying more life” look like? For starters, I’ve been spending more time with family and close friends. With the passing of my moms, I could observe what matters most in the end: it’s those family members and close friends. I’m fortunate to have them. I’m also trying to be there, physically and emotionally, for the friends who are losing their parents—I know how important that was for me.

In addition, I have been reaching out to my mother’s close friends, which helps me to better understand who my mother was and what she meant to others. It also provides insights into how she and her friends have lived this “empty nest” chapter in a rich and full way.

In my work world, I’m trying to be less scheduled and more selective about the projects I take on. I’m also not saying “yes” to every volunteer opportunity. I’m carving out more “free time.” With this breathing room, I’ve been able to open myself up to the possibility of writing another book. I’m following the journey laid out in The Artist’s Way, which includes a daily journaling practice (“Morning Pages”). It’s showing me the way to more creativity and joy. It’s even inspired me to spend a month in Paris this summer! I’ll share all of this in future blogs, as my journey continues.

As I design this next chapter of my life, I’m dedicating myself to finding more balance, and in so doing, honoring the memory of both moms.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!